LOOSING MY MOM THREE YEARS AGO TODAY

Hi , it’s Loren…

Sadly, today is the 3 year mark for the passing of my lovely Mom, Marilyn.  This photo is my Mom and Dad on their wedding day June 24^th, 1956.  They are so beautiful and some have said that “they look like movie stars”.  In my Dad’s eyes I see hope, bravery, anticipation, dreams, the love of his bride and a joy about their future.  In my Mom’s eyes I wonder about the fear, worry, anxiety, confusion and the inability to process what was happening to her because of her illness.  I see sorrow and a vacancy and it makes me sad for both of them.  On their day June 24, 1956  neither one knew what life would have in store for them and that pain, sorrow, loss, hopelessness were on the horizon and it would have a ripple effect that would affect generations to come.  What an evil trick reality played on them.

After 3 years, I thought that I was making progress in coming to terms with the loss of my Mom.  Sometimes the memories are so vivid and fresh.  Sometimes they are chaotically foggy and distant.  It is at this time that I am most sad because I fear the loss of these precious memories I have and the connection they give me to my Mom. I wonder,” will I forget if I don’t have the memories?”  Sometimes I find myself acting or reacting to something just like my Mom did and I wonder.  I wonder if it is genetics or learned mannerisms from the time I spent with her?  I was always fascinated by the things we did alike.  There was a time that if you said that I was like my Mom, they were scary times and a scary reality.  I did not want to inherit the illness she had and at the same time, I suffered because I knew she did.   The fears and scary feelings have long gone away and have been replaced with warm endearing and comforting thoughts that I am my Mother’s daughter and like her in so many ways.  I had such a fear when she was alive that it crowded out all other feelings sometimes.  Now that’s she gone, I want nothing more to be like her, to be her daughter, to be her ‘sweetheart baby’ as she once called me and to be her friend. What I would give to just have 5 minutes to be in the presence of the most beautiful woman I have ever known and to be sure she knows this too.

Has 3 years healed my heart…I can only say that I am going to the best parts of me and to the best parts of my Mom.  I am on my way…and that is not by forgetting but learning and remembering that none of this mess was the fault of my Mom or my Dad.  They were victims of a cruel reality that chose them to suffer, and they did suffer greatly.  My Dad’s death was tragic at the age of 40 and my Mom’s illness was tragic and it lasted a lifetime.  Do I forget? I do not.   I only remember and learn more everyday about the sacrifice they made for my siblings and I.  It only makes me want to hold on to what matters more, to love deeper, to live fuller.  I am grasping tighter to those who give life meaning.

Sometimes people ask, “why and how I am able to share my feelings and thoughts?”  Well, it is through this sharing that I realize that I have to be brave and not afraid of feelings, good and bad.  Everyone who knows me knows that I am not afraid to feel. Through feeling, I know I am living. I try to have courage to open up and when ready, letting go. I try to venture into places most people dare not go.  I am vulnerable because this is the way I know to experience my truest self.  When I cry, I cry and when I laugh and I know I am alive.  This is the way I will be the rest of my life.  I am healing, I am renewing and I am being brave to journey on through this life and knowing that one day I will see my most precious of people I have known on this earth, my Mom and Dad.

 

 

SAYING 'GOOD-BYE' TO UTRECHT

Last Tuesday night,  I was leaving my painting class at Fleisher Art Memorial and drove onto Spruce Street to make my way home.  As I approached the light at Broad Street and Spruce Street, I slowly glanced over to my left as I always did at that stop. Now it is where I see that Utrecht Art Supplies Store is dark and closed for the good. All the signs are still up around the building though, which gives it an erie ghost like feeling. 

About 4-5 months ago, I learned that Utrecht would be merged into Dick Blick art supply store and the Utrecht I knew would be no more.  You see, Utrecht was not just a art supply store to me, it was a hip, chic, cool, trendy place where artists from all over Philadelphia purchased their art supplies.  Their employees were art students and it had this feel of 'pure art'.  They featured a cork board where artists could post their info, business cards etc.  It was a place to mingle.  Utrecht was the 'it' place to shop in the art world in Philly. Their prices were awesome and they always had what you needed. A lot of their supplies were behind the counter where students artists would assist you with your chosen materials.

Utrecht was not just a art supply store to me but a place where memories were formed and made, a place where my personality was defined and a talent was realized. 

When I first moved to Philly to attend Moore College of Art and Design, Utrecht was the place to go for most art supplies.  I remember when I walked the first time from my dorm room on Cherry Street to Utrecht at 14th and Broad Street with my friend Linda.   It was 17 blocks, seemed so far but well worth the trip.  I realized I was being introduced to a city for the first time in my life.  Utrecht seemed so 'cool' to me back then.  I had never been in an art supply store like it.  Illustration board, Letraset press type, Chartpak press type were the top supplies that I purchased at Utrecht.  Airbrush machine and supplies were 'hot' and drafting tables were 'in'. If you remember that computers had not arrived in to colleges in 1983 and everything was done by hand, from rub down type to colored rub down film that came in such an array of colors that amazed me.  These were the days of Pantone markers for marker renderings to matching colored papers and film were the top materials that we used in school.  Illustration board was the top material to create designs, logos and advertisements to prepare artwork for printing presses.  When I went there I felt like I was in artists heaven!

I loved Utrecht. I loved the materials they carried , the ambience of the store as well as the people that shopped there.  I loved Utrecht for carrying the fabric paint called DEKA (now out of business) when I started painting T-shirts, baby clothes and pillows.  After college, I moved to 17th Street and Spruce and Utrecht was just a couple blocks from my apartment.  I remember the days of carrying home large sheets of illustration board and matte board inside large clear plastic bags.  Some time after I moved to my apartment, Utrecht moved across the street and on the other side of Spruce Street.  I didn't like it as much as the first location, but tried to adjust with the times.  Utrecht always had the paint I used in acrylic and oil.  They had canvases that I really loved.  They’re canvases were weighty and had a strong cross bars in the back for extra support.  The texture of the canvas was great to paint on and after I first began painting, I ordered 10 canvases 30x40 and had them shipped to my home.  The total cost was approx. $180.00 for the 10.  Can you beleive it?  That was $18.00  for one 30x40.  I still have two remaining and I will save them for a special project.

Utrecht is where I found most of my 'bags of tricks' on my blog.  It is where my early college years had formed strung memories of friendship. It is where I learned about walking the city for the first time and where I felt like and learned to live and feel like an artist.  Now Utrecht has formed some sort of partnership with Dick Blick and they have finally left their home on Broad Street and Spruce Street.  Dick Blick is located on 13th and Chestnut Street approx. 4 blocks from Utrecht's former location.  They said that they will still carry Utrechts paint but not their canvases.  I have never used a Dick Blick canvas and I hope they are as good as Utrecht’s.

Utrecht has moved on to a new venture and I will miss it.  I will never forget the memories it created for me.  I will never forget the way it gave me an introduction into the art scene in Philadelphia. and helped me become a professional artist..  Utrecht, like Borders Book Store will be thought of as a happy, welcoming and teaching experience for me.  So, Utrecht I say my goodbyes to you.  Thank you for all the memories and for opening the world to help me live and become an artist. 

Cheers.

Loren

ABOUT LOOSING MY DAD WHEN HE WAS 40.

MY DAD AROUND 36 OR 37 YEARS OLD.  BOY, HE WAS HANDSOME!

I can hardly belieive that it has been 39 years today Oct 6th that my wonderful Dad passed away. It always feels like it was just yeaterday.  He has been gone almost as long as he lived.  He was only 40 years old and full of life and fun.  To me, my Dad was the best there could be.  Everyone who knew him, knows how special he was.  Approaching this day has been very emotional since my Mom and my Gram have passed away so close together within the last 2 1/2 years.  There has been a lot of sadness around these significant days.  I have been thinking so much about my Dad the past week or so.  He used to appear in my dreams but I haven't had one for sometime now.  I was sharing the dream with a friend in painting class and she responded that this is definitely a sign that there is another side and he was reaching out for us.

OUR VERY FIRST VACATION AT NIAGRA FALLS.  MY DAD WAS ESTATICALLY JOYFUL.

I want to share this dream with you... it would go something like this......
My siblings and I are in a 'super market' and we see my Dad in the Produce aisle.  I run up to him sobbing and call to him, "Daddy, Daddy, where have you been?'  He replies,"I've been living in the house across the street ,(my Gram's old house) and I have been watching over you"  "But why did  you leave us"?  Unfortunately, there is no answer because I wake up too soon.  Ahhh...if I could only get an answer.
I tell this dream for everyone who knew my Dad and remembers him, that he is indeed somewhere on a higher plane in the universe or in heaven and one day we will see him again.

I THINK THIS PHOTO IS FROM OUR SECOND VACATION AT FORT HENRY, NEW YORK.

I posted some of the very meaningful and emotional photos of us kids and my Dad on our very first vacaction in Niagra Falls, Canada.  I think I was 10 or 11 and my Dad was 36 or 37 years old.  My Dad was so happy because he felt like for the first time we were living like a 'normal' family.  No one knew, not even him that he would tragically leave us at the young age of 40 and we would never be a 'normal' family again.

MY DAD FOOLING AROUND WITH ME, AND MY TWO COUSINS KAREN AND JILL.

ALL US KIDS WITH MY DAD.  NOT SURE WHERE THIS WAS TAKEN.

So for today as everyday, I am missing my Dad and all that could have been had he not left us so soon.
I am missing all that my siblings and I could have been had we finished our childhood years with a father ( and a mother) raising us until we were adults.  I ponder what would have been possible for all of us and what different directions we all might have taken had we had a 'normal' family.? Ahhh... what might or could have been?

Thanks for reading this post.
Loren