FORTY YEARS AGO TODAY I LOST MY DAD

Forty years ago today, on a cold and dark Oct 6^{th  1974}, my Dad tragically passed away from a massive heart attack.  He was only 40 years old!  I had just turned 14. There are no words to express the tragedy of my Dad’s passing and the chaos that my siblings and I went through as well as our Uncle Ron and Gram.  I started this post by writing about the details of the tragic day my Dad passed, but found that it was just too personal at this time and possibly too long of a story to tell.  All I can say is for me it was a nightmare that has had no end.

I want to share a story about my Dad from when I was a young girl. When I was in Home Economics class, I think it was 7^th grade.  We had to go to the store to get fabric and decorative ribbon for a tote bag that we were making in class.  Well, my Dad took me to the fabric store on Rte. 37 just by Hooper Ave.  I don’t remember the name but I can clearly remember the building.  Well, anyhow, we went in to the store and we looked at the fabric. My Dad was in his element, ‘color’!  He was so good at picking out colors and matching them up to each other. I could see he was in heaven with color and patterns.  We chose a bright shocking fuschia color for the outside. We chose a tiny flower pattern for the inside that matched up so beautifully.  Then we picked out the ribbon for the handles and this is where my Dad came to life even more.  I remember the ribbon being about 2 inches wide and it was so beautiful with flowers and shades of pink, fuschia , purples and metallic thread on it. When I think back, it was the most expensive of all the ribbon like it, but Dad wanted me to get it.  He would not have it any other way. He said to me, “ this is the prettiest in the store and I think you should have it”!  So off to the cutting table we went.

I share this story because it is such a reflection of the man, Dad, toy designer and son he was. What Dad in 1973 took their daughter to the fabric store and picks out pink, fuschia and flower patterned fabric? He was so natural and like he was where he was supposed to be at that moment in time.  My Dad was there, because he knew he had to.  My heart was relying on it.

To this day I don’t know what happened to that tote bag.  I usually save important things from people I love and I do, have some of the fuschia fabric and it is Vintage 43 years old!

I miss my Dad and I think of him in some way everyday.  He was a hard Dad to forget.  As my Mom has passed now too,  I hope they are sharing a life together some where in heaven, or if not somewhere in the Universe.  Someday I will see him again, and we will  be able to talk shop!!

Cheers,

Loren

 

MY 17th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY

   

Hey guys...it's Loren here.  Today is my husband Paul and my 17th wedding anniversary. This photo is of our wedding day and my husband Paul loves it. I on the other hand am so, so about it. My bouquet of flowers was sooo..large and heavy and it kept tipping over. It was so big that it covered almost 1/3rd of my body!

Well, anyhow, Paul and I can't believe time has gone by so fast. We have actually been a couple since 1985 so that is 29 years! We have had a interesting journey up til now, with highs and lows, peaks and valleys, and back to highs again. We are so happy we took the path we are on no matter what or who has come our way. So today, we will celebrate our love and our enduring friendship in 'grand style'. (yes, pun intended) Can't say what we will do and we don't like to post our where abouts,  but, be assured we are continuing on our journey through our experience called LOVE!

If you are 'in love', make sure you tell your sweetheart that you love them and hug them tight. It increases endorphins and oxytocin (the bonding chemical) which produces feelings of well being.
Here's to love and loving!
Loren and Paul

LOOSING MY MOM THREE YEARS AGO TODAY

Hi , it’s Loren…

Sadly, today is the 3 year mark for the passing of my lovely Mom, Marilyn.  This photo is my Mom and Dad on their wedding day June 24^th, 1956.  They are so beautiful and some have said that “they look like movie stars”.  In my Dad’s eyes I see hope, bravery, anticipation, dreams, the love of his bride and a joy about their future.  In my Mom’s eyes I wonder about the fear, worry, anxiety, confusion and the inability to process what was happening to her because of her illness.  I see sorrow and a vacancy and it makes me sad for both of them.  On their day June 24, 1956  neither one knew what life would have in store for them and that pain, sorrow, loss, hopelessness were on the horizon and it would have a ripple effect that would affect generations to come.  What an evil trick reality played on them.

After 3 years, I thought that I was making progress in coming to terms with the loss of my Mom.  Sometimes the memories are so vivid and fresh.  Sometimes they are chaotically foggy and distant.  It is at this time that I am most sad because I fear the loss of these precious memories I have and the connection they give me to my Mom. I wonder,” will I forget if I don’t have the memories?”  Sometimes I find myself acting or reacting to something just like my Mom did and I wonder.  I wonder if it is genetics or learned mannerisms from the time I spent with her?  I was always fascinated by the things we did alike.  There was a time that if you said that I was like my Mom, they were scary times and a scary reality.  I did not want to inherit the illness she had and at the same time, I suffered because I knew she did.   The fears and scary feelings have long gone away and have been replaced with warm endearing and comforting thoughts that I am my Mother’s daughter and like her in so many ways.  I had such a fear when she was alive that it crowded out all other feelings sometimes.  Now that’s she gone, I want nothing more to be like her, to be her daughter, to be her ‘sweetheart baby’ as she once called me and to be her friend. What I would give to just have 5 minutes to be in the presence of the most beautiful woman I have ever known and to be sure she knows this too.

Has 3 years healed my heart…I can only say that I am going to the best parts of me and to the best parts of my Mom.  I am on my way…and that is not by forgetting but learning and remembering that none of this mess was the fault of my Mom or my Dad.  They were victims of a cruel reality that chose them to suffer, and they did suffer greatly.  My Dad’s death was tragic at the age of 40 and my Mom’s illness was tragic and it lasted a lifetime.  Do I forget? I do not.   I only remember and learn more everyday about the sacrifice they made for my siblings and I.  It only makes me want to hold on to what matters more, to love deeper, to live fuller.  I am grasping tighter to those who give life meaning.

Sometimes people ask, “why and how I am able to share my feelings and thoughts?”  Well, it is through this sharing that I realize that I have to be brave and not afraid of feelings, good and bad.  Everyone who knows me knows that I am not afraid to feel. Through feeling, I know I am living. I try to have courage to open up and when ready, letting go. I try to venture into places most people dare not go.  I am vulnerable because this is the way I know to experience my truest self.  When I cry, I cry and when I laugh and I know I am alive.  This is the way I will be the rest of my life.  I am healing, I am renewing and I am being brave to journey on through this life and knowing that one day I will see my most precious of people I have known on this earth, my Mom and Dad.