FORTY YEARS AGO TODAY I LOST MY DAD

Forty years ago today, on a cold and dark Oct 6^{th  1974}, my Dad tragically passed away from a massive heart attack.  He was only 40 years old!  I had just turned 14. There are no words to express the tragedy of my Dad’s passing and the chaos that my siblings and I went through as well as our Uncle Ron and Gram.  I started this post by writing about the details of the tragic day my Dad passed, but found that it was just too personal at this time and possibly too long of a story to tell.  All I can say is for me it was a nightmare that has had no end.

I want to share a story about my Dad from when I was a young girl. When I was in Home Economics class, I think it was 7^th grade.  We had to go to the store to get fabric and decorative ribbon for a tote bag that we were making in class.  Well, my Dad took me to the fabric store on Rte. 37 just by Hooper Ave.  I don’t remember the name but I can clearly remember the building.  Well, anyhow, we went in to the store and we looked at the fabric. My Dad was in his element, ‘color’!  He was so good at picking out colors and matching them up to each other. I could see he was in heaven with color and patterns.  We chose a bright shocking fuschia color for the outside. We chose a tiny flower pattern for the inside that matched up so beautifully.  Then we picked out the ribbon for the handles and this is where my Dad came to life even more.  I remember the ribbon being about 2 inches wide and it was so beautiful with flowers and shades of pink, fuschia , purples and metallic thread on it. When I think back, it was the most expensive of all the ribbon like it, but Dad wanted me to get it.  He would not have it any other way. He said to me, “ this is the prettiest in the store and I think you should have it”!  So off to the cutting table we went.

I share this story because it is such a reflection of the man, Dad, toy designer and son he was. What Dad in 1973 took their daughter to the fabric store and picks out pink, fuschia and flower patterned fabric? He was so natural and like he was where he was supposed to be at that moment in time.  My Dad was there, because he knew he had to.  My heart was relying on it.

To this day I don’t know what happened to that tote bag.  I usually save important things from people I love and I do, have some of the fuschia fabric and it is Vintage 43 years old!

I miss my Dad and I think of him in some way everyday.  He was a hard Dad to forget.  As my Mom has passed now too,  I hope they are sharing a life together some where in heaven, or if not somewhere in the Universe.  Someday I will see him again, and we will  be able to talk shop!!

Cheers,

Loren

 

NEW 'on my EASEL' PAINTING TALKED ABOUT

Time for a new 'on my EASEL' painting to be discussed on my blog. This is where I talk about what went into creating a painting.  Basically, it is about how and why I created this featured painting..

'SEARCHING FOR MEANING'   oil on canvas  18x24   (c) Loren Fidalgo 2010 

The painting I am writing about is titled, 'SEARCHING FOR MEANING'.  It is 18x24 and oil on canvas. I really enjoyed creating this piece and I liked the opportunity to dig deep into what goes into the struggle when one is looking for purpose in their life'.  I believe that the seeking and searching may be something that most of us go through some time in our lives. Whether it be addiction to drugs, alcohol, mental illness, emotional loss of a loved one, divorce or trauma or just simple 'existential questioning'.  We may ask ourselves questions... we may tell ourselves what seems to be lies that "we can handle it." With this painting, I am asking, "How do we find the reason? How do we find joy in life, when things are not going our way or we are in pain? How do we find hope?" 

When I began this painting, I had a strong image in my mind about what I wanted to express.  I had the concept in my thoughts about a woman and her struggle to find the reasons for living and why she is here. I wanted to express how it is usually the little things in life that are often missed when one is depressed and feeling like there is no hope. Elements like the flower and butterfly were thought of to  help portray my concept.  I wanted to depict this idea by playing off of a simple phrase that is often said to someone to let them know how they are not valuing the simple things in life.  'Take time to smell the flowers'.  Possibly, people might think that one is not grateful for the little things and they need to take the time to look and see what is right in front of them? For this woman, to smell the flowers is her symbolic way to express her desire to feel what she is missing, the 'joy of life'. She is looking, seeking, hoping and longing. 

 I painted this in a subtle cubist like style and use thick, textured paint. The cubist style helped me to convey the ambivalence that this woman is having in her life.  The woman's eyes are disjointed and each one is looking back out at 'YOU'. This is her way of saying, "I see you, I'm looking at you looking at me and I see that you are wondering what is wrong with me and you are wondering, "why I am 'searching for meaning?" I decided to depict her nude so she is in her most vulnerable and fragile state. The colors I chose are purples, greens, oranges, yellows and reds.  I like the way the colors interact with each other, such as the oranges and greens and purples and yellows.  I used a palette knife to sculpt this entire painting. I stroked the knife on the canvas, moving it in many directions as I carved into the paint. You can see this in the swirls of her hair and the texture in her body.

 In closing about this painting,, the question is inevitably asked, "Does this woman find her meaning?  Well, that is for you to decide.  What do you think?

 I hope you enjoyed the in-depth look into this piece?  If you would like to, please leave a comment or question.  Thanks for reading this post and stay tuned in for the next one.

Cheers,

Loren

WHERE I'VE BEEN

'HEAVY HEART'    24x30       2012    oil on canvas

I have not posted on this blog for some time now.  I would like to share where I have been and why I have been there.   I have not been writing mainly because I have been in a process of grieving the loss of my precious Mom who passed away last May 6 th. I have been heart broken and filled with sorrow about her passing.  You can read more about her here on her blog.  From the pain and the sorrow it has been very hard to write and organize my thoughts and emotions.  I have been a bit 'stuck' and I have struggled with a blank palette in my mind.  I never realized how much a loss would effect my ability to write and be creative at it, as well.  Although I have been painting this entire year, I never realized how much it would effect my ability to write effectively.  Over this year, I would sit down in front of my computer, open my blog and completely draw a 'blank' inside.  I did not know where to begin.  Ideas were few and hard to come by.  Anxiety started to creep in and the emptiness in my mind became a a real obstacle to writing creatively.  The longer I failed to blog, the harder it became to write.  This cycle went round and round for almost a year.  Can you believe it has been a year?  Well, as time went by, I began to ask myself questions about "how do I begin again to offer inspiration and ideas to anyone when I have not been able to write and express myself and because I have been away from blogging for so long?"   The angst grew more profound for sometime until I finally had a moment of clarity and insight into my own creative thought process.

'SAD, SAD GIRL'      16x20     2011      oil on canvas

 For the past year, even though I was unable to write, I have been painting a lot.  I don't know for certainty why this had been this way, however I do have some ideas about it as I am trying to find the answers as to why writing is so much more of a struggle.  This is what I learned. As I mentioned, I have been painting furiously over this last year however, when it came to expressing my thoughts in writing, it was more difficult, more raw, more open. I guess that through the written word, somehow the reality of my loss seemed to be more real, more true. In art visually, sometimes I find I can hide behind the work, with a 'simple disguise' of sorts but with writing it is just out there.  When I write it is real and coming from the unconscious and unconscious at the same time.  If I were to want to express the pain I am feeling, and I were to write , "I am in pain", that becomes a fact for me just by the act of writing it.  Visually however, allows for that same feeling to be disguised like a woven tapestry with images, shapes and colors and even though it is meant to express the same emotion as something I have written. Visually, it is left to interpretation but in writing, for me, 'it is what it is'.   This is my idea about why for me, writing is so much more difficult and challenging.

'GRIEF AND A BIRD'    18x24       2011      oil on canvas

I've mentioned that I did do a lot of painting, I was able to work in a friend's studio in Philadelphia over the summer and even though I was bouncing around a lot with my ideas, I did manage to produce some interesting new work. Visually I was still able to work creatively.  Although I was thoroughly into my painting, and I was not blogging, I had no idea what the end of the summer would bring in my life and how it would effect my ability to write even more then it previously had. 

Sadly, at the end of the summer, my beloved Gram, ('little Gram' as family all knew her), and the woman who raised me and my siblings, passed away on August 27th.  This loss has hit me so hard and fast and again I was finding myself so paralyzed and unable to make sense out of anything for these past 4 months.  (You can read more about my Gram here , here and here. )  Although I have suffered these losses, what I have come to realize is that I can try to use writing to heal the heart just as I use painting to soothe my soul.  I know I need to get back to writing and share my story, so it is not so raw, so painful.   I am learning that I can use my writing as a way of healing and not shut down from my experiences.  I have come to understand that I need to share this part of my life and at the same time offer my art and inspiration outward.  The two creative processes can coexist. I am struggling but I'm pulling through.  I have also come to realize that I was sheltering myself and hiding away while trying to get some soothing from the two major losses that has happened so close together.  I have been trying to make sense out of nonsense and this can be a never ending challenge and struggle.

'REACHING,  GRASPING,  HOPING'         2012           24x30   oil on canvas

I am ready to begin again along with my losses, sorrows and heart brake to share my experiences on this blog if the moment or time calls for it.  This way I am not boxed in to just write about my work but to share how I am doing along with my work and creative inspiration. I hope I can write about what and how my heart asks me to. 

Thanks to everyone who has come to my blog waiting for a new post. Thanks for giving me this time to finding healing and find my footing. Thanks for reading because this is my story. This is where I've been.  

A NEW TO YOU YET SOMEWHAT OLDER PAINTING

THE BEAT OF THE HEART
OIL ON CANVAS  30x40
(c) Loren Fidalgo 2010

 I wanted to touch base with everyone and share a new yet old painting.  This painting is called "THE BEAT OF THE HEART". Initially, I wanted to title it, "THE WATCHER", however, I decided that the new title expresses more of my feelings about this painting.  What do you think?  

This painting is painted with oil on stretched canvas.  The size is 30 x 40 and one of my favorite sizes to paint on.

I feature birds in a lot of my fantasy paintings.  I love the free flowing form of them in flight and I especially love their wings.  I love painting their wings.  I also love the idea of the birds being able to move so easily from place to place.  Ahhh... what I would do if I could only fly!

Currently, the most significant thing is how the expression of the birds made their way into some of the final words I had with my Mom before she passed away in May 2011.  When my Mom could no longer speak, I told her to, "fly high and like a bird when you are ready Mom.  Just fly."  Now whenever I see a bird, I think of her and feel that maybe she is around me.  Soon, I will be starting a new blog about my my Mom and my relationship with her.  It will be titled, MY MOM MATTERS and it will feature all the memories, stories and poignant things that have entered my life since I found my Mom.  It will surely be chockfull of so many experiences, some joyful, some profound and some very emotional and sad. So, keep checking back for a post about the opening of this new blog.