WHERE I'VE BEEN

'HEAVY HEART'    24x30       2012    oil on canvas

I have not posted on this blog for some time now.  I would like to share where I have been and why I have been there.   I have not been writing mainly because I have been in a process of grieving the loss of my precious Mom who passed away last May 6 th. I have been heart broken and filled with sorrow about her passing.  You can read more about her here on her blog.  From the pain and the sorrow it has been very hard to write and organize my thoughts and emotions.  I have been a bit 'stuck' and I have struggled with a blank palette in my mind.  I never realized how much a loss would effect my ability to write and be creative at it, as well.  Although I have been painting this entire year, I never realized how much it would effect my ability to write effectively.  Over this year, I would sit down in front of my computer, open my blog and completely draw a 'blank' inside.  I did not know where to begin.  Ideas were few and hard to come by.  Anxiety started to creep in and the emptiness in my mind became a a real obstacle to writing creatively.  The longer I failed to blog, the harder it became to write.  This cycle went round and round for almost a year.  Can you believe it has been a year?  Well, as time went by, I began to ask myself questions about "how do I begin again to offer inspiration and ideas to anyone when I have not been able to write and express myself and because I have been away from blogging for so long?"   The angst grew more profound for sometime until I finally had a moment of clarity and insight into my own creative thought process.

'SAD, SAD GIRL'      16x20     2011      oil on canvas

 For the past year, even though I was unable to write, I have been painting a lot.  I don't know for certainty why this had been this way, however I do have some ideas about it as I am trying to find the answers as to why writing is so much more of a struggle.  This is what I learned. As I mentioned, I have been painting furiously over this last year however, when it came to expressing my thoughts in writing, it was more difficult, more raw, more open. I guess that through the written word, somehow the reality of my loss seemed to be more real, more true. In art visually, sometimes I find I can hide behind the work, with a 'simple disguise' of sorts but with writing it is just out there.  When I write it is real and coming from the unconscious and unconscious at the same time.  If I were to want to express the pain I am feeling, and I were to write , "I am in pain", that becomes a fact for me just by the act of writing it.  Visually however, allows for that same feeling to be disguised like a woven tapestry with images, shapes and colors and even though it is meant to express the same emotion as something I have written. Visually, it is left to interpretation but in writing, for me, 'it is what it is'.   This is my idea about why for me, writing is so much more difficult and challenging.

'GRIEF AND A BIRD'    18x24       2011      oil on canvas

I've mentioned that I did do a lot of painting, I was able to work in a friend's studio in Philadelphia over the summer and even though I was bouncing around a lot with my ideas, I did manage to produce some interesting new work. Visually I was still able to work creatively.  Although I was thoroughly into my painting, and I was not blogging, I had no idea what the end of the summer would bring in my life and how it would effect my ability to write even more then it previously had. 

Sadly, at the end of the summer, my beloved Gram, ('little Gram' as family all knew her), and the woman who raised me and my siblings, passed away on August 27th.  This loss has hit me so hard and fast and again I was finding myself so paralyzed and unable to make sense out of anything for these past 4 months.  (You can read more about my Gram here , here and here. )  Although I have suffered these losses, what I have come to realize is that I can try to use writing to heal the heart just as I use painting to soothe my soul.  I know I need to get back to writing and share my story, so it is not so raw, so painful.   I am learning that I can use my writing as a way of healing and not shut down from my experiences.  I have come to understand that I need to share this part of my life and at the same time offer my art and inspiration outward.  The two creative processes can coexist. I am struggling but I'm pulling through.  I have also come to realize that I was sheltering myself and hiding away while trying to get some soothing from the two major losses that has happened so close together.  I have been trying to make sense out of nonsense and this can be a never ending challenge and struggle.

'REACHING,  GRASPING,  HOPING'         2012           24x30   oil on canvas

I am ready to begin again along with my losses, sorrows and heart brake to share my experiences on this blog if the moment or time calls for it.  This way I am not boxed in to just write about my work but to share how I am doing along with my work and creative inspiration. I hope I can write about what and how my heart asks me to. 

Thanks to everyone who has come to my blog waiting for a new post. Thanks for giving me this time to finding healing and find my footing. Thanks for reading because this is my story. This is where I've been.