Tuesday, May 6, 2014


Hi , it’s Loren…
Sadly, today is the 3 year mark for the passing of my lovely Mom, Marilyn.  This photo is my Mom and Dad on their wedding day June 24th, 1956.  They are so beautiful and some have said that “they look like movie stars”.  In my Dad’s eyes I see hope, bravery, anticipation, dreams, the love of his bride and a joy about their future.  In my Mom’s eyes I wonder about the fear, worry, anxiety, confusion and the inability to process what was happening to her because of her illness.  I see sorrow and a vacancy and it makes me sad for both of them.  On their day June 24, 1956  neither one knew what life would have in store for them and that pain, sorrow, loss, hopelessness were on the horizon and it would have a ripple effect that would affect generations to come.  What an evil trick reality played on them.

After 3 years, I thought that I was making progress in coming to terms with the loss of my Mom.  Sometimes the memories are so vivid and fresh.  Sometimes they are chaotically foggy and distant.  It is at this time that I am most sad because I fear the loss of these precious memories I have and the connection they give me to my Mom. I wonder,” will I forget if I don’t have the memories?”  Sometimes I find myself acting or reacting to something just like my Mom did and I wonder.  I wonder if it is genetics or learned mannerisms from the time I spent with her?  I was always fascinated by the things we did alike.  There was a time that if you said that I was like my Mom, they were scary times and a scary reality.  I did not want to inherit the illness she had and at the same time, I suffered because I knew she did.   The fears and scary feelings have long gone away and have been replaced with warm endearing and comforting thoughts that I am my Mother’s daughter and like her in so many ways.  I had such a fear when she was alive that it crowded out all other feelings sometimes.  Now that’s she gone, I want nothing more to be like her, to be her daughter, to be her ‘sweetheart baby’ as she once called me and to be her friend. What I would give to just have 5 minutes to be in the presence of the most beautiful woman I have ever known and to be sure she knows this too.
Has 3 years healed my heart…I can only say that I am going to the best parts of me and to the best parts of my Mom.  I am on my way…and that is not by forgetting but learning and remembering that none of this mess was the fault of my Mom or my Dad.  They were victims of a cruel reality that chose them to suffer, and they did suffer greatly.  My Dad’s death was tragic at the age of 40 and my Mom’s illness was tragic and it lasted a lifetime.  Do I forget? I do not.   I only remember and learn more everyday about the sacrifice they made for my siblings and I.  It only makes me want to hold on to what matters more, to love deeper, to live fuller.  I am grasping tighter to those who give life meaning.

Sometimes people ask, “why and how I am able to share my feelings and thoughts?”  Well, it is through this sharing that I realize that I have to be brave and not afraid of feelings, good and bad.  Everyone who knows me knows that I am not afraid to feel. Through feeling, I know I am living. I try to have courage to open up and when ready, letting go. I try to venture into places most people dare not go.  I am vulnerable because this is the way I know to experience my truest self.  When I cry, I cry and when I laugh and I know I am alive.  This is the way I will be the rest of my life.  I am healing, I am renewing and I am being brave to journey on through this life and knowing that one day I will see my most precious of people I have known on this earth, my Mom and Dad.



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